Hey, all my lovely flisters (and the anonymous readers beyond). As was illuded to in my previous entry, my computer is kaput. It's pretty much dead times ten. Nothing works, and it's so old that frankly, I'm no longer surprised.

This is a note to let you all know that I will be absent from the internet world until the time comes that I can buy myself a reasonably priced relatively new computer. I'm going to research the prices, and then beg a loan off of both my parents. I hope this process will not take long, but I will miss you all dearly. Take care of yourselves, and don't forget me, for I'll be back, and with a vengeance!

*group hug*, *group snuggles*, *Hayden Panettiere kisses to all*

And now I bow out.

Till all is solved, take care. I'll be thinking of you all.

Just posting an entry here to let everyone know that my computer is kapoots. For months now, I've been doing my best to fix it. Even scrapped the entire harddrive and reinstalled it, but to no avail. Now I can hardly visit a website, and many times the computer won't even come on. I don't have the means to be getting a new one, so just know that if I'm absent for a long while... it's probably because this one died, and I'm left empty-handed.

Grr to technology. Grr, I say!

I've been asking around to see if anyone knows what to do. It seems my machine is a lost cause.

Feelin' It | Frustrated

Today, I am thankful for…

1) The edgy quality that sometimes shows in (  Rory Gilmore. )

2) Two new sites that are captivating me and adding to my daily (  procrastination pile. )

3) The best toast ( ever. )

Feelin’ It | Blank

( In books lies the soul of the whole past time... )

In books we grow.

"A good book on your shelf is a friend that turns its back on you and remains a friend." -- Author Unknown

Who’s looking for more friends? Who’s looking for more books to become like friends? Let this be a meme, and please PIMP! We’ll share our love of literature together.

Name:
LJ Username:
Age:
Best Book or Series Ever:
Best reason to be a bookworm:
The biography of my life would be called:
What I’ve always wanted to read but never have:
Book that never should have been made into a movie:
Book that should be made into a movie:
Finish the sentence – I read because…:
Optional – Excerpt from favorite book:

"Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations." -- Henry David Thoreau

I leave you with that, and hope to hear from some fellow bookworms soon!

Feelin’ It | Awake

Ohh, how to start this entry. I’ve been having a difficult time with some hardship I’ve been suffering. Now I’m a little desperate to find tasks to engage my thoughts in those other than sadness. I’ve started a couple of projects, and I’m making a great effort to overcome my procrastination with everything.

Happy, Happy Belated Birthday to the lovely citibyrd! Hun, you are an amazing soul. ♥ you.

I found some pictures of Hayden that I thought were sort of different, and decided to spawn a batch of icons from them. Only bases, mind you. My memory hinders any real success with graphics programs, but I’ve just recently installed Adobe Photoshop 9, and so far it’s making much more sense to me than Paint Shop Pro ever did. I’m going to look for tutorials eventually. I would really like to be good at this; I have so much vision for graphics (especially making them into icons), I just never know how to make that vision become a reality. I wonder what it is, besides memory, that makes graphics programs so challenging for me to undertake. FrontPage and me, for example, are likethis; we function alike.

If anyone takes a base and tinkers with it, I’d love to see the finished product! Did my best to find some interesting crops. I’m a beginner, I know.

( Have you ever caught a rainbow in a smile… could you capture it in a bottle and shine… )

The way I love Hayden Panettiere is like, she’s my current fixation in celebrity life. She’s passionate and she dazzles me. My God, is she ever drop dead gorgeous. I would like to know her, I would like to be her. As it is, I remain content to just stare at her and “aww” at her pictures. Looking at Hayden makes me happy, it helps uplift my mood. She’s so beautiful and I just adore her so much.

She’s an amazing person. She cares about amazing things.

I’m living in a haze of screw-ups that happen though I continue to try hard. I feel a lot like Bridget Jones most of the time. I like to think how nice it would be to be like Hayden, and somehow the world brightens.

Feelin’ It | Anxious

I'd just like to make a note that the people I know in this town are... they're driving me crazy. On a run-over ice cream truck stuffed with chickens that peck one's eyes out. And now that I've created that lovely image...

Happy Belated Birthday to...

wordsleadmeon (April 11th). Court, your Kristen Bell journal header is gorgeousness, as is your personality. I love reading about your days because your dialect simply sparkles. My fellow BC girl, welcome to the age of 27. Sounds like your b-day was awesome.

savepureness (April 14th). Jules, you're ever so lovely, and so passionate about those fandoms you call yours. I love that you live in Romania, where for the strangest reasons I've always wanted to go. My fellow figure skating fanatic, I hope your day was full of wonder and awe.

jans_intentions (April 16th). Jan! So sorry I haven't had the time to be amazed by your gorgeous fic of late, but know that always I find you amazing. You've convinced me to become a part of the 'Queer as Folk' fandom, and though my memory is unreliable as a match lit in the wind, there are BtVS stories you have written in the past that never will I be able to forget. Hope your day was filled with all it needed to make it worthy of the same remembrance.

jstwnts2posts (April 23rd). Bajah, dear, I must find the time to get to know you better. You are a healer of bodies and souls, that much I can see is true. For living such a noble life, you deserve the big chocolate cake I'm sending all the way from Canada! See it in your mind and the delectable taste will follow. I hope your day was a lovely thing.

bruisexviolet83 (April 23rd). Emily, though I've been sad to know of your illness, I've been happy to have found you, because I understand the things you're going through like many people couldn't comprehend. I know I've always wished I could do more for you, and I know you're away from LJ land for the time being, but I'm sending the happiest of Birthday wishes your way that you can share and enjoy with the sheep and the wonderful people you've met. You are strong, you are a fighter, and you're a sweetie in spite of having to be all of those things. I'll always wish you the best. Let yourself be healed and find happiness. You're a soul who deserves such things.

And how is everyone else? I hope you're all finding a good start to the summer. I've no exciting plans for the next batch of months, but to be bathed in the sunlight and hopefully some warmth will be what I hope is enough for me this year. It's been a dreadfully long winter... I say, let there be light. Finally. And let it stay, for as long as it can stand to be a part of this dreadful place where I live.

Oh, Miel! I have received the answers you sent me for Best Friends First. Dreadfully sorry for how long it's taken me to get back to you about them! I'm ready to delve into them just now, and I'm excited to see all that you have to say. *hugs for my interviewee*

Apologies to everyone for my absence. I'm trying my hardest to find my way to the right priorities again.

Lyrics float all around my head. Listen to me carefully while I write you a love song...

Feelin' It | Numb

Nothing like the ones on 'Mr. Roger's Neighborhood' (I have had entirely too many conversations in this lifetime about how wrong that show is). Unfortunately, due to my income, I live in the 'hood of my town. Which is a very bad place. Talking to my neighbors results in very bad things. I ignore them, and hope each day that they'll do the same.

Zombies would make better neighbors, okay? Ghosts... rocks.

You know what's unfortunate is that living in these conditions, surrounded by these kinds of people, has made me harder, and less forgiving. If you can imagine a piece of string being plucked to exhaustion, causing it to gather more layers to protect itself, you can start to understand my place in this town. I have become who I hate. I have become the kind of person I swore I'd never be. I've become one of them.

Quite dramatic and morbid, isn't it? I guess that's just my mood today.

How to go back to the way one was, when so much bad has happened? How to be like Frodo again before he was tainted by the ring? How to keep from shrinking into Gollum, and hiding in caves where society dare not set foot? How to define what really is precious and what is nothing near it? These things I may never know. I live in a world of metaphors that never die but merely change form. Strangest phenomenon.

Feelin' It | Depressed

Anyone out there willing to beta an 'Everwood' oneshot? Ephram/Amy, soulmate-y, all the way. It has angst, but it also has marriage, and I'm hoping it will have some beauty, too.

I'm so happy I'm writing again!

Feelin' It | Nerdy

( LIFE IS HARD. )

Feelin' It | Horrible

Today, I am thankful for...

1) The moment when Sasha wouldn't close the door. My mother took her away from me all of last week, through Easter. And I only just got to see her again today. My heart aches when she says, "No! Stay here with me," because I wish that I could, but my heart also swells with pride that she can love me so much. As my sister was revving her car in which I would get a ride home, and my mother was continually asking Sasha to step back inside and close the door, Sasha and I had a conversation that will stay with me.

She didn't want me to go. I didn't want to go. I knew that. I think maybe she knew that. Her grandmother kept insisting that she close the door and go back inside. But she didn't want to go back inside without me. And I wanted to cradle her in my arms and take her to my place for her to stay with me forever and ever. (Or, until she turns 13 and goes through that teenage phase where she decides that she hates us all.) My heart was breaking even as I was staring at the very face that keeps it beating. And I was as reluctant to leave as she was to let me. I fought back tears as, finally, she was overpowered, and the door between us was closed. It calms me to know that the door is only closed for today. And that hopefully, on Tuesday, when I'm allowed to see her again, the door will be open once more.

2) Resilience. My illness is fighting like hell to make me surrender. But there's something human left yet in my spirit that won't let me leave. I will not leave this life which holds Sasha encased within it. And I will grow stronger, as long as I remember that change has to come eventually. It just has to. Things have to get better, and I have to believe that they will. Today, some parts of me do.

3) Art. I haven't sat down to write a story in what seems the longest time. I did so today. In my struggle to overcome the obstacle of getting an entire novel written, I have decided that perhaps first I'll try to publish a book of short stories, unconnected and having nothing to do with one another. I've always been better with short stories, anyway, and it might be the best way to get my feet wet.

Luc asked me to go out with him and have coffee with his uncle while I was in the middle of writing a story today. I didn't want to go, because I didn't know if I could sustain what it was I needed to get written down. But the entire time I was at the coffee shop, I was struggling to become myself and step out of the character I was embodying in order to keep the story in my mind. It amazed me, that feeling, that I really was becoming the character I was writing for those moments. It signifies to me that perhaps I'm finally ready to create characters of my own with lives worth remarking about.

Feelin' It | Artistic

My daughter. I am completely selfish when it comes to her well-being and happiness... I want all of it to come from me. My Sasha, I call her. Some people think that's stupid. I tell them they're stupid. Haha.

Sorry, everyone, that I haven't been around as of late. My computer had a complete meltdown, and I had to scrap everything and reinstall Windows. Luckily, I was able to save most files on disc beforehand. And I had mail redistributed to another address that I specially set up. I don't think I've missed much, except all of you, since I've been gone. I apologize for my absence and promise I'm here for good again.

For the first time in months, I can visit websites with Flash. For the first time in months, I can open files in Paint Shop Pro! Now I'm working on reinstalling FrontPage, SmartFTP, and Microsoft Word. Wish me mucho luck; I'll need it. I love having Windows reinstalled. It's like receiving a new computer all over again. Mine is an old 'puter in disguise.

Feelin' It | Pleased

I love Hayden Panettiere. There simply is no lesser way of saying it. She's so beautiful through-and-through, and I can do nothing but admire her, squeal at the sight of her presence, and wish to be more like her.

Luc brought over 'Joe Somebody' yesterday, because he knew my Hayden was in it. We watched it, and I screamed when little Hayden came on screen... a lot. She wasn't in the movie nearly enough, was what I said at the end. It was a good movie, but I found her role the most compelling by far, and wish there had been more of her. I don't know if I'll ever have enough of her. She is my newest and deepest obsession. Prepare to hear gushings in her favor in many future entries to come. I've adored her for a few months now, and the love is intense. She's fabulous.

I see her face and just want to buy her things! I want to cuddle her close and give her many pretty mirrors. I know, I sound like a teenager myself, but oh! I know so many of you can relate. Every new facet I discover of her leaves me equally as charmed as the one before, and the one that will come after. If I were fifteen, there would be pictures of her all over my bedroom walls. As it is, there will be pictures of her all over the scrapbook I am making to chronicle this year of my life.

*happy sigh* Okay, gush over. I'll stop. For now. ;)

Feelin' It | Inspired

I liked this survey I got by email from Katherine. K, I hope you don't mind me posting my answers here.

( Fifty-seven questions... )

Feelin' It | Tired

My dad sent me this forward today that just made me laugh and laugh. I had to show it to Luc, and now I must show it to you.

( Excerpts from a Dog's and Cat's Daily Diary )

Hee!

Feelin' It | Uplifted

I was five feet away from Avril Lavigne last night. Floor tickets; nobody could sit down; everyone got on everyone else's nerves. We pushed and shoved, we pointed and blamed, we hated each other as fans. But we all loved Avril. She was right in front of us, and so beautiful my breath caught in my throat.

I had an entire entry planned on how I am growing up, how twenty-three is suddenly so different from twenty-two. I wanted to tell someone of the turmoil and the change that's swarming inside of me. Now, it all seems too overwhelming to pull from my brain. I think we can pin it down to general laziness, as well as realize a lot of what I was going to say just last night has already disappeared from my memory.

Today will be a day that I will spend with you. So much in life is lost, but you're still there, letting your presence be known. You sparkle to me, you're the glitter on Avril's microphone and guitar. Nothing in life seems ever enough, but you are. You're enough for me and more. And I wish I could have taken you all with me last night to see the punk princess with the radiating smile. I reached my hand out as if to touch her, and I felt love. Despite being shoved this way and that, despite the fingers that kept accidentally clawing through my hair, despite the pain my body was in and the chaos of other fans around me, I felt love, pure and true, coming from Avril's tiny body and shining upon all of us like light.

With my memory problems, what's most likely is that I will forget last night. I knew that going into the concert, and I realize it with clarity now. It saddens me that good memories fade from me, but I reason that also bad memories leave me, and that is a thankful thing, for you cannot dwell on what's no longer a part of you. No longer a part of me.

What I remember right now is all that's important at the moment. I remember that I love Avril, and that I was close enough to see the sweat on her brow. I remember that it was a beautiful thing. I love that life can still be beautiful for long seconds here and there, even though my brain is programmed not to see it that way.

Feelin' It | Busy

Title: Forgive Us Our Trespasses
Author: behrbemine
Website: http://www.behrbemine.com/solemn/
Feedback: I was telling my beta just now, that it's for a reason I cannot put my finger on that this series is taking so long to force itself out through my fingers. I thank anyone for their patience, if you're still with me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue, I'll cry. ;p
Summary: What was the biggest mistake of your life?
Rating: R
Distribution: Just please let me know and we'll be good.
Classification: Rory and Dean
Spoilers: Season 4
Beta: Thank you, Elyssa, for your engaging thoughts.
Warning: Dark imagery ahead, though no darker than anything that's already been touched on in this story.

Previous Parts in Memories.

Chapter Thirteen: Like You'll Never

( The first thing to invade her psyche was red... )

Feelin' It | Mellow

( Did you ever have a feeling that the world just wouldn't show? That you'd be alone forever, and nobody would know? )

Feelin' It | Feels Like Nothing I Can Describe

So, I turned twenty-three today. ( There isn't a single solemn note in my tone... )

I'm watching 'The Pussycat Dolls Presents Girlicious'. (I don't know why. I've mentioned my current fad of junk TV, right?) And not for the first time, being a mother is creating a unique perspective for me, even in watching such junk as this. Sometimes especially when watching junk like this.

I have consumed a mothering nature in life, when it comes to just about everything. Any issue concerning children concerns me. Any issue concerning animals, who I view and love as children, concerns me. Any person or idea that reminds me in any remote way of Sasha concerns me greatly. And I find myself wanting to be a part of it.

These girls on this show are in-and-around my age. All in their late teens/early twenties. Ideally, this show is meaning to capture a viewer of my statistic in the way of making me want to root for certain girls and hate others. Making me want to be like certain girls in some ways, and certain girls in others; certain girls in no ways at all. And although I can appreciate that perspective, and scout out my personal favorites in these insipid "reality" TV competitions, I find that it's the mother in me who causes me to remain serene and contrite despite all arguments on the show that call for one to take a side.

You know what makes it different for me, is when the girls fight so vehemently with each other, and then inevitably one scurries to the phone to call their family, their parents, their home. And when their mother picks up the phone and reminds them of the right priorities in a competition and in life, these girls sniffle so sadly and their voices become so small. This is the moment when I find the most empathy for them. For I see myself being on the other end of that phone, someday, when my daughter chooses the struggles she will undertake in her own life. I'll want to coddle her, and she'll be across a phone line, and somehow I'll need to reassure her that my love and my belief in her is true, and that other people will see it in her as well when they're ready to.

This is a ridiculous show, but I respect the idea of competing for a shot at fame. Sometimes even I start striking poses in the mirror after two hours of 'America's Next Top Model'; I find myself dancing naughty Pussygirl routines while waiting for water to boil in the kitchen. It's a bit of eccentric fun to dabble in, knowing those worlds are not my reality in any way. But, as a mother, I find my way to relate to them the best way I can, and the best way I want to. The instinct is to love everyone, because everyone is some mother's child. And I feel for them the way I hope society around Sasha will always feel and care for her. In those moments that are so often in which I am not there.

Oh, and also: How adorable was it the way one of the girls screamed and threw herself at J.C. Chasez? What she said, about immediately reverting to your thirteen year-old self in his presence, and that such behavior is just what you do when you meet someone from *NSync... it's true. She was so adorable in her blatant bluntness, that it was just a fact.

Feelin' It | Contemplative

I can't seem to move past this icon. I just love it oh-so-much.

My friend Michelle called the other day and left a message on my machine that she really needed to talk to me. When I called her back, I found out that her dog, who I had met and loved, was dead. Her dog had cancer in his eyes. Her rich parents didn't want to fork over the money to put him down, so her dad took the dog outside and shot him. It was 'Old Yeller' come to life; one of the worst things I've ever been told. That story will haunt me until my memory kindly relieves me of it.

It was my brother's birthday two days ago. He would have been somewhere in his mid-thirties. But he died when I was eight, and he was twenty-one. It was a hard, hard day for me. I didn't want to be alive.

I miss Sasha. I'm falling back into bad habits because I'm so constantly in pain: both inner, as well as outer. Migraines have plagued me for three weeks now, every single day. Vicious migraines. And also a lot of bone pain. I'm fearing that my unhealthy body is beginning to develop some form of osteoperosis. And my tummy hurts right now. But somehow, I'm going to force myself to go to school, even though I've missed two weeks of classes, and I look like hell. Nobody looks at me there, anyway.

I'm sorry to bum anyone out. I just needed to share a bit of the hardship that I've been encountering. Sometimes it feels better to tell those you care about what you're going through, you know? Maybe you know. If you don't, I'm sorry for this entry. And I wish you a happy rest of the day.

Feelin' It | Low